The big trouble with no longer being alone has more to do with expectations then anything less…

Evidently, not EVERYONE is satisfied with brilliant content and titillating allusion.

DARTH MISFIT T for the first person to accurately identify this piece of design validating technoshit:

A second VADER HEAD for the person that locates one for less than I have to pay for it:

Life just got (more) complicated.

On the upside.
We have some serious plans to paint shit bright colours and hit the fuck out of it with a hammer.
Unless hammers cost money.  Then it will probably be a rock or twig.

As a person that has dedicated the more superficial aspects of existence to perpetually pursuing presentation on the cutting edge of haute, I know hot.
Like all progressives, sometimes, I know hot while it is still entirely cold.
Such avant pursuits require a enhanced instance of consideration, else-wise they may be seen as missteps, oddities or perversions.

Proclivity is an expensive, thankless bitch.

In December LIESNSHITE carefully collected “The ULTIMATE Cyclist’s Gift Guide“.

A public service of sorts, assisting those that would-for-you with a less refundable, more appropriate fiscal direction as it concerns merry material endowments.

Much essential research is exhausted in such a collective.
Exposed to many super superfluous things we were.

Specifically.

On day two, three of the five items listed were time-keeper-pieces.
As someone who doesn’t know, you wouldn’t know it (based on this lack of knowledge or on my personal problems with punctuality), BUT, I have a penchant for pendulums.

Mix together December’s extended exposures with my moderate to mental illness and a surplus PayPal balance (the result of USD/CAD parity) and you have several forgotten (deniably speaking) purchases.

Enter.  Mr post man.
Some shite.  Some more shite.
And one GIANT watch.

It didn’t look GIANT on the internet.
It looked just as GIANT as you see here.
So.  Just how GIANT?

Bigger than bigger GIANT.

Wallet GIANT.

Mighty mouse GIANT.

iPod GIANT.

Nutcracker GIANT.

50% GIANTER than my favourite of all-time time piece GIANT.

Are you a man or a hairy woman wearing a large man’s watch GIANT.

Eighteen tooth GIANT.

Breck Buckle GIANT.

Blackberry GIANT.

If I ever start riding this thing, I won’t be wearing that thing GIANT.

Yes.  Watches are trending SMALLER.
The appropriate usage of the word TRENDING coupled with a full frontal acknowledgement of pre-destined failure to comply (with the previously mentioned trend) should ensure that any decision to lug this piece around will be done in the most retractable way presumable.

As if hearing no less than two women scream ‘it’s too big’ wasn’t enough, my new TSOVET also enabled me to proclaim It’s Hero Time!

That is, for once I was able to declare that I had transformed into Swamp Fire during bedtime discussions with BOTH boy #2 and boy #3.

Boy #1 was less impressed, he claimed Big Ben (see previous reference to temporary alien transformation and NOT the overtly obvious large faced bell tower) had gouged large chunks of flesh from his back and that his retina were irreparably burned by the face’s luminescent glow.

Ultimate Gift Guide: ULTIMATE MEGA WINNER!

Here it is.

Alluded to way back on the 11th and arriving at a generitable climax on the 23rd.

On this the eve of the day on whom you are supposed to present, may we introduce the most incredible, most sought, most durable, usable and prudent of ALL cycling like things.

Single Speed Wallet – MISFIT PSYCLES – 3.29$

Super salient clear-like colouring ensures optimal performance and increased visibility of wallet contents.
BE AWARE: The single speed wallet MAY become invisible in the event that it is left empty on a flat surface for a prolonged period.

The expounding 4″x6″ size is large enough for the things you need and small enough to be transported hither and dale.

Just how versatile?  Depends on your definition.  Testers at Corporate Psycles gave this product an incredible 3 ranking.

Include a cell phone during workable hours and bingo, you have a tax-avoidable expense.

Made from genuine and irreplaceable fair trade plastic.  The sturdy 2mm sidewalls will hold your goodies snug and keep them wetness free for the life of the wallet.
A slip-slide zip-lockable top will secure the belongings within the baggie until such a time that they are needed.

Interchangeable, transformable, affordable, durable and totally sheik the Singlespeed Wallet from Misfit Psycles is this years most ULTIMATE and MEGA winner of the Cyclist’s Gift Guide, 2009.

HOORAY people.  Rejoice and embrace.

Most of all,

Merry Christmas Bitches!

Ultimate Gift Guide: Personal

Perhaps you find yourself on this here late date still without the right gift for that cycle person in what is your pathetic excuse for a life.

Shame is hereby supersized and entirely non-refundable.

Being as today is the sub-nearo final (except for the grand-champion most ULTIMATE gift) day of gift suggestions…you really do have to pick one.
Then.  Make Merry.

Maca Root Shave Cream – Body Shop –  10$

Cyclist’s shave.  All of them.  Eastern European women, exemplified.  Sometimes those that shave do so further than others that do do.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
This tiny little (125ml) tube will last well beyond the gunk clearing capacity of the vessels lid and orifice.  The mere presence of Body Shop Maca Root Shave Cream (in any)  toiletry bag screams I’m-a-man-of-beauty to all would be bag sniffers.
While my current personal usage is limited to facial follicles, having read further (the Macdaddy root) of it’s apparently amazing endurance like capacity, suffice to say it has led to considerations for optional applications.

Flask – In God We Trust – 50$

Beer is just not always trailable.  Whisky, more so.
A flask adds an aura of pomp to your circumstance and prevents those annoying shards of glass from imbedding in your soft tissue. Safety first.
Sadly, by the time we made it to press the Cheers Mother Fucker version of the flask was sold the fucker out.  All reasonable attempts were made to procure additional volumes…it is not to be.
True there is a POISON version.  There is nothing funny about poison.
Might we suggest a set of disposable flasks instead.

Kick Ass Coffee – Kicking Horse – 13.95$

Coffee.  Drink lots.  Be fast and poop regularly.
Your 6000$ Epic can be welded by bound babies and your carbon bars rolled on the thighs of Taiwanese school girls, but it is absolutely inexcusable to drink anything less then Fairly traded Organismic coffee.

Merino Wool Socks – Swiftwick – 13.95$

Just socks you say?
Hell no.  These socks have been genetically enhanced with genuine science to offer an unrivaled 5% increase in vitesse.
While this claim of performance enhancement remains entirely unsubstantiated for the most part, the other part is entirely accurate and not in the least fabricated.
Buy the socks.  They won’t regret it.

Fitted Yog’ah Hoodie – Lululemon – 88$

You were supposing that we would whore the more traditional black as speed hoodies?
Sure black is all the rage.  Sure the PsycleStore coupon code: zumbapants will get you 25% of all psycle clothing…
BUT.  It’s that’s kind of sub-haute-couture-sell-out that necessitates and justifates why my personal post-exertion hoodie is grey and slightly effeminate.
Fight the power.  Stick it to the man.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Cozy, comfy and when combined with a wide collection of Body Shop hygenic lotions, entirely cosmopolitan.

That is all for the mostly list.

If you’d care to see the list in it’s most entirely, CLICK ME!

Last up…The Supreme Ultimate Most Awesome Cyclist’s Gift.

Ever.

Ultimate Gift Guide: Tools

The necessities.  The essentials.  No work bench is complete without.

Electrical Tape – 3M or Someone Else – 1.99$

Duct tape is for thugs.  Electrical tape…pure, elegant and simple.  Do anything, go anywhere, be all.
10 packs can be had for less.
Bulk is the new long.

Genuine Fork Tuner* - VPT – 6.99$

This 7 oz beauty is a pseudo-replica of an actual fork hammer.  The very same type of blunt striking instrument that might be exactly similar to the one used by Niner to demonstrate the elongated impact absorption of their plastic fork.
That is, if they didn’t elect for the hammer’s bitch-ass cousin, the Ball Pein (incidentally this is French for sans balls).
Unlimited to fork work, this versatile CLAW hammer is well known on the Court of Dingle for it’s pivotal assembly roll; whack-o-meter.
*Not in any way shape or form to be confused with a Tuning Fork.

Rustic Decals – Dominic Wilcox – 7.98$+-

Cyclists.  Primarily and mostly a self absorbed bunch.  Obsessed with aesthetics, performance, equipment, maintenance and technology…continually lusting for the newest and bestest makes for a perpetually evolving garage of the most hottest need to steal items.
Help them protect their property through the artistic process of artificial aging.
This product does not carry any sort of actual guarantee of security, it does promise one thing, the cyclist that applies this to their Cervelo won’t look like quite the vain pompous dick they actually is*.
*Will not assist in the diffusion of asshatality on owners of Light Speed or  Felt bikes.

Torque Wrench – Effetto Mariposa – 249.95$

Because life isn’t all hammers and tape.  Although there would be a whole whack more girl-girl business if it was.
The Effetto Mariposa, even if ne’er utilized, offers and air of specific officiality to any garage.
Sure there is the standard version for a slice less…but since when is practicality what the season is about?

DELUXE White Electrical Tape – Tape People – 1.99$

No.  You’re probably right.  Mass quantities of basic black are probably all any cyclist could ever need.
And what’s more?  Less.  While you’re at it, what say we don’t even consider adding anything from the rainbow.
Heathen.

Next, not to mention, last up.

Ultimate CYCLIST’S Gift Guide: Personal.