You read right.
A strange injury has befallen me truly.
Things are looking grim.
Walking is a chore and the pain is in line with shifter adjustments.
I WILL BUY YOUR TYLENOL 3 PRESCRIPTION
Like a lost episode of HOUSE: Dingle Damage, the Court experts are not sure of much.
Despite the predictably unauthorized inspections of my toiletry bag, inquisitions about my dietary habits and repeated beratings of myself for my fantasticness, we are for sure certain of very little.
Uncertain except that we are certain that the trauma is a result of a terrible (and totafuckingly avoidable) wreck at the WINTER WOW (back on November 16th).
This is how it went down:
At approximately the 15km point there was an icy descent, unfortunatley one of the more novice bike handlers lost control. He spilled his guts violently across the narrow trail. Completely and utterly unable to respond to his new state of up-ended-ness, the rider convulsed wildly producing spastic snow angels.
When a second rider was unable to avoid the yard sale, he too was left star-fishing on the trail, my choices were obvious. I was going to have crush them both with my 29″ wheels of death or eject, at my elite speeds, stopping was not an option.
As the two demons slathered about in white frothiness I elected to make one super leap from my steed, landing with a swift boot to the cranium of Mr Crashpants.
Fail.
In determining to spare my fellow riders I became obsessed with their safety. I lost focus.
I became entangled and fell hard on mine own frame.
Both shins took an impact that would have killed three lesser men…probably five Dickys.
While I regained my footing the offending riders skulked away.
I was certain the impact(s) would leave a mark but was comforted by the fact that they did not effect my magnificent pedal stroke.
In one way this incident was the inspiration I needed, it provided the bile necessary to pedal through and over the souls of the remaining field.
A post race inspection (between interviews, photos and mandatory fluffers) revealed a minor contusion and swelling on the left and a large goose egg on the right shin. Aside from bruising no other ‘damage’ was detected…these selfless wounds provided nothing more than a mild inconvenience.
Walking, riding and being a dashing debonairly bicycling beacon were not effected in the least.
FAST FORWARD ONE WEEK.
Discomfort and swelling was gradually increasing in the right leg. The goose egg was solid and there was no reduction in size. It was beginning to feel like a sprain…I have the Discovery Channel. I felt qualified to deduce that this was part of the healing process.
FAST FORWARD A SECOND WEEK.
There is a ‘tightness’ that extends from my ankle to knee.
Squatting, rotating or otherwise stretching my calf is impossible.
Stairs have become difficult and when weight is applied there is a shooting pain that feels like it is coming from BONE.
If I have to go to see those white coated witch doctors of death, my ghost will haunt you something FIERCE Verheyen.
TOMORROW:
Unless I pass in my sleep, I will publish my final will and testament.
A new testament of sorts.
Excuse me, have you found Peter???
I will reveal custom TEAM LAPDOGS diSSent frame sets:
Limited Edition and Exclusive. You MUST be a LAP DOGS member (and by being a member I, of course, mean JOIN the Lap Dogs not just act like a dick).
I shall reveal Custom TEAM SOUTH OF ME diSSent frame sets:
Obviously the design needs some work.
That’s okay, we have time, Thad’s IHATEBIGWHEELSCUZ cause is weakening – just as I planned.
