With informants, agents and powerful allies the world over the Misfit Psycles Corporation has developed the remarkable ability to control and manipulate most of the factors that would influence her well being and survival.  Just like Haliburton, WalMart and airport Limo’s.

The obvious exceptions being when those times when we fail and those other incidents that involve our golden arch enemies:

1. UPS
2. 1&1
3. David Letterman
4. Banks
5. Caillou

When the Corporation was recently forced to accept the impending delay of the NUMMERS frames, reaction was swift, without prejudice and devoid of conscience.  
A giant sledge hammer of doom would soon crash down on the skulls of anyone that dared impede our PP (Psycle Progress).  

Even those closest to (but not actually IN) the Corporation were agasp.  Reaction was so fiercely venomous that they feared the face of the Corporation would be changed…forever.

Instantly and immediately following notice of the delay,  secret agents were dispatched to Xiamen.  Strict orders were issued “take any and all necessary steps to ensure delivery“.

First, the ship was located.  
Owned and brandished by OOCL the large and hideously rusty BRITAIN was easily located – exactly where she was parked.  
Plum in the muddy drinking water of the Haicang Shipping District.

Late on the eve of departure, while the crew slept, a small transmitter beacon was placed on the ships hull.

For mostly good measure, dramatic effect  and added demographic appeal the ships Captain was replaced by Michael J Fox.  

It is impossible to argue with this choice.

Vessel Tracker was enlisted to do the dirty work of tracking the vessel.  The Corporation could have completed this task but had no interest in changing it’s name.

Omnipotently we followed the Britain on it’s journey, frequently and as required instructing Michael J Fox to bludgeoned the crew about the head and face with his paws…Michael J Fox is a take no shite kind of mouse.

Yesterday.  Piping hot satellite images were dispatched PDQ to Corporate HQ on the DL as the ship docked in Seattle.

Phase One Complete.
Snake Eyes has been dispatched to make Zion framesets and door stops out of do-gooder Thomas, he will be replaced with the much more deservedly indignant Diesel.

The Corporation utilized imbedded contacts at the Department of the Deceased and arranged to have Carlin Zombified for the cross country adventure. 

DISCOUNT AND PURCHASE PLEA:

PSYCLESTORE espionage discount on the NUMMERS.
The current coupon code: NEWSTORE will remain valid until February 8, for 15% OFF
BUT
A new and improved coupon code: NUMMERS (not for use WITH newstore) will be valid on pre-buys of the frame to February 8.  
That one word NUMMERS will give you an awesome 23% OFF.  

ONLY on pre-buys.  
Will NOT be extended.  
Will NOT be duplicated.  
Ever.

Your mom said it was okay.

Typical capitalist pig-dog.

Pick up most any cycling rag and the pages read like a who’s got what you can’t of the Velocipede Bourgeoisie…a veritable na na na of woven plastic fibers and glitter paint.
The Corporation, for one, thinks that a little proletarian action might do the collective some good.  

Afterall, one in three men will suffer from issues arising from their proletariate.

Crooked Cog Scrutiny Scheduled

THE NEWS:

The Misfit Psycles Empire is pleased to be part of a NEW and RADICAL series brought to you by the Crooked Cog Network.  

A number of Psycle goodies will form the platform on which this series ’Budget Build‘ will be assembled.  The series will appear on TWENTY NINE INCHES and THE BIKE LAB.
NOTE: Internal documents and future correspondence by the Corporation shall hereby refer to the series as ‘Operation Vanguard‘.

THE PRODUCTS:

• diSSent – singlespeed 29er frame of death
• FU bar – super swoopy handlebar
• FU2 bar - just as swoopy but more stubby handlebar
• COD cog - wide based cog of infinite  
• BASIC conversion kit – space aged spacers 

THE PREMISE:

Details of the series haven’t been spelled out explicitly in those many words.  

Probably because the essential supposition is simple, not to mention entirely obvious.  
Despite this fact Guitar Ted  (in true egalitarian form) sums it up for those readers requiring corked forks:

“We’ll be giving you some tips and ideas on how to save some cash on a new build as we go along“

Clearly Ted is more kinder then I.  This persona-muchnicea may explain his popularity in relation to mine own.  
ASIDE:  Hey Ted, as a result of my scathing expose (that’s french for ‘Entertainment Tonight’ – oh and I speak french because my bike has metric nipples, do you?  Have metric nipples?) Stephen Harper (governor of  Canada) and y’Obama are now my PERSONAL CONTACTS on FLICKR.  Jealous much?

THE RADICAL:

Agreed, the idea of methodically hand selecting and assembling a bicycle (in the land of 29er and singlespeed in particular) is nothing new.  
BUT, in an industry (and segment) overwhelmed in juxtapositions ($400 tanks versus $600 headsets) a SOLID mid-range project WILL bring in readers and Scotsmen alike.  The Corporation is pleased. 
Operation Vanguard (‘Budget Build’) promises to be a true BLUE COLLAR project, while the series will NOT be seen there (Guitar, Alanis left a VIDEO MESSAGE),  I suggest you visit anyway to review the series on Typical Tune-Ups.
Well worth a read for those of you-fortunates that cannot batter your bicycle to oblivion and then sell it as a ‘demo‘ when the rubber goes flat.

Stop.  

Nobody at the the Misfit Psycles Corporation of Sanitized Introspection is saying that Guitar Ted is Marx reincarnate, although, the point is difficult to argue as both men have hair.  Unlike Lenin.
Guitar Ted also wears a red shirt.

The conclusion practically draws itself.  
And you know the conclusions I draw come true.

Stay tuned tomorrow when the Corporation asks:
“Are contributors required to make ‘poop face’ for their Crooked profile?”

THE SLOW PITCH:

Coupon Code – NEWSTORE valid for 15% Off at PsycleStore, good until the 8th.

BUY SOMETHING AT PSYCLESTORE:

Until February 8th, 2009 create or re-create an account at PSYCLESTORE, use the COUPON code NEWSTORE at checkout and ALL orders will recieve 15% OFF.
DETAILS HERE.

If you don’t…
We WILL make staffing changes.  

YOUR in-action and lack of partici-paction WILL fuel the fire of economic decline in the civilized world.
YOU WILL cost small children dearly…you don’t want that burden…

FOR SALE:

NEWSWIRE:  January 28th 2009 – Ottawa, ON
PSYCLESTORE REBUFFED – NO BAILOUT FOR YOU!
In a what is the most surprising news event at the Caledon Chamber of Commerce this year, local business magnate Peter Keiller, visited the Cat House of Wellington St.

Representing the interests of the PsycleStore (a Division of the Misfit Psycles Corporate Empire) Peter was declined a meeting with President Stephen Harper or even his pussy ‘Relic’.

The PsycleStore, MisfitPsycles and all of it’s fractional and fictional subsidiaries is THE leading employer and producer of cycling based things in the court of Dingle area of Bolton (within the town of Caledon). 

The PsycleStore recently suffered traumatic and potentially debilitating loses at the hands of hosting devils 1&1 and several other more nameless adversaries.  The damage was amassed during a 72hr DEAD-ZONE while the Corporation conducted massive structural and aesthetic upgrades to it’s antiquated infrastructure.  This sort of ‘shovel ready‘ spending initiative is both endorsed and encouraged by Federal Money Monger Jim Flaherty in his recent budget.  

A spokespersonality for the Empire put the losses in the hundreds of AMERICAN dollars.

In a recent telephone interview the Corporate personality likened said Corporation to the ailing automotive industry :

“We make stuff, it’s not the best stuff, but it’s stuff and it’s ours and we are here, not there.  Some of the stuff is more expensive compared to imports.  But our wages are higher.  We spend more on electronics and polished trinkets.  It is true, we primarily designed the stuff because we wanted it, not because the market wanted to purchase it, so you could say we are pioneers.  Like settlers.  Like settlers that arrived in Canada one glorious summer and decided to set up shop.  Then after that first winter came and went, we STAYED, instead of getting the fawk out.  Pioneering this great tundra for the sake of four seasons.  We need your support, we need your money.”

The Parliament Hill was unavailable for comment but we suspect that the response would have been something like this:

“Thank you for contacting the office of the supreme leader of Alberta (the Commonwealth formerly known as Canada), we appreciate your interest, the urgency of your issue, the nature of your concern and so forth and so on.  Regretfully we cannot accommodate your interest/issue/concern at this time.  If you live in Quebec please direct all of your concerns to the Liberal antichrists who promised you a voice in the coalition, outside of Quebec, please contact the french bastards in Quebec who are trying to destroy your freedoms and make your eat curdled cheese products and say fondue when you sneeze.”

Stay Tuned for more great-breaking news on the PsycleStore, MisfitPsycles and all the other plots that comprise marble town.

Should the sun refuse to shine.
I will be building in the night. 

The PSYCLESTORE boondoggle continues.  Realtime, unresolved and totally tentative.

Preparedness was going to be the key to a smooth transition.  
Preparedness would prevent mis-fires, mis-direction and mis-anthropy.  
THIS was how the day began at PSYCLESTORE:

Wild eyed, sleep deprived and entirely confident.  This day WOULD belong to the Corporation…

Should my pistol choose to jam.
I have another one in my hand.

Hours on hours behind mi-mac, refreshing, reloading, responding and THIS is what we done did today.  
THIS is progress:

Destroy to create?  Balls to you.

This set back does not entirely come as a surprise.  If you, dear reader, have learned anything of late, you know, the odds are stacked.  
Our enemies are numerous.  
The LIST is growing.

Why waltz when you can rock and roll?
I’m shooting for a new death toll. 

As projected, the past 24hrs were spent battling numerous nefarious evil doers who would conspired to dismember the Corporation…this battle may appear to be lost in the eye of the consumer, BUT, at this very moment, the Corporation is preparing for a strike, counter strike and runup strike of immense proportions.

Pure smash and grab bedazzle.  

Shock and Sha Na Na.  

Editor’s Aside:  A coincidence that Bowzer looks like Mark?  I think not.  I can say that, because he never sent me free shorts.  A coincidence that Bowzer’s pants are no longer then shorts?  I think not.  Ying and Yang.  Full circle.

Bow Wow Wow.

Yippie Yo, Yippie Yeah.

What you are reading may or may not actually be happening.
We could already be gone. 
Put succinctly, if you can’t read this then we are, you will be next.

There are powers larger then you and I working against the Corporation at this very moment.
Communists probably.  Psychosis certainly. 

At some unspecified time in the small hours of the evening a momentous decision from on high was rolled down upon look out below.  
Damn the torpedoes, swap the servers.
Espionage my shadowy friend, this is not a drill.

Our IP’s must be covered. 
I swear, I was at a friends house the entire time. 

As we speak the PSYCLESTORE that was is no longer and this PSYCLESTORE will be.
Step One in a grande slam rejuvenation of PSYCLEDOM as you know it.

Just how will you know when it’s safe to leave your cubical?

Here is a test program written specifically for such an emergency.
Follow the steps closely – you will require basic skills of visual comparison and a functioning internet connection.  Despite the obvious nature of these requirements no assumptions by our behalf will be made for yours. 

10 Click Link: PSYCLESTORE 
20 Link functioning properly?  ”TRUE” goto 30  ”FALSE” goto 10 
30 Psyclestore look like new?  ”TRUE” goto 40  ”FALSE” goto 10
40 So what’s your problem?

In reality and within all realms of fantasy, the PSYCLESTORE may not function at all today.  
Pricepoint and Jenson breathe a collective sigh of relief.

In fact, so dangerous is this undertaking that done incorrectly, ALL websites that fall under the MISFITPSYCLES banner of monochromatic doom may also be hung from their collective 404′s.  

IN PERPETUITY.

This is life on the edge.

As project manager and transitional director, I assure you, these delays are not only necessary, but very much vital distractions to ensure several things of variable importance.

More to follow.
Unless they find a way into the cellar.
I can hear them scratching at the walls.