Unsane, inprepared and upwinded.

This pretty much sums up the Empirical process for DSG in Fayettville TN.

It would seem that the recent Box Office success of all things Misfit has generated and almost full time necessity for work type tasks.

We on the Court of Dingle find such working loads to be uncomfortable, constrictive and most flagrantly, demeaning.  

The Empire currently employs only educated philosophers types, as such, people do things for us.
This is a very trying time, these times.  
Just yesterday I was forced to wash my hands twice.

OINK.

In addition to the (new) lengthy days (toiling under these here obscene conditions), this newfound busyality allows far too little time for the more impotent aspects of daily Psyclelife; Blogging to the world, Photoshopping glass phallic’s and designing Dicky Jersey’s.

Did someone mention WORLD TOUR Dance Party planning?

Win from AXIS GEAR currently won’t call me back…I suspects that he suspects the urgency in my voicemails. 
Shocking.

NEWSFLASH:  Misfit Psycles is unprepared and totally late, as such they are leaning heavily on someone else to do the ketchup…oh my…the horror…how did this happen…please, never again…

Coincidentally and a result of the workiness endured recently, yours truly was spinning away in the basement.

Television proved to be less than entertaining (the 30$ DVD playa done ate KLUNKERZ and was KAPUT)

The resulting 93 minutes of continuous surfing provided a wonderous cross section of humanity:

• Thou shall not kill, if you do, multiple over dressed mammorically enhanced sleuths will catch you using science fiction and strategic hair tossing…but just think of the sexual tension.
• Thou shall not (something about) be an idol, if you do, your untalented whining ass will be forced onto national television until the world is sick sick sick of you and the generic crap crap crap you squeal.
• Honor your Father and Mother, unless you happen to be that fat ‘other’ Kardashian, where your plastic faced near-Jacksonesque father figure will ask if you couldn’t stand to lose a few pounds before posing nude.  Cause nudity is fine, so long as you aren’t a fatass.
• Thou shall not steal, of course if your family needs a loaf of bread and you are caught, remember to show for all your court appearances…otherwise an incredibly large film crew and several burly men wielding DEADLY paintball guns will sneak up like a pack of pachyderms and quietly bash down your mama’s door.  They will then berate and beat your stoned ass into submission whereby they will collectively pray to their god (a good and just god) to save your now broken ass.
• You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour, that would normally be wrong, unless you happen to be curiously bi-sexual and living in Los Angeles…enough with the man kissing, equality does not apply to delusional observationalism.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

On that note, back to Dicky Jersey design;

Hey Mootpsycles, does this ocean make me look fat?

No updates again yesterday.
This is becoming habitual.

A virtual whirl-wind shite storm of Psyclactivity was thrust upon the court of Dingle once again…that can only mean that the Superfly Racing Tuesday Fun Series has begun.

In an attempt to lessen the stress risers that occur each and every Tuesday, the Empire would like to take the opportunity to answer a few stock questions in advance.

GENERAL ASPECTS OF THE SUPERFLY SERIES: 

• Despite the clarity and timelessness of the following answers, the Empire would sincerely appreciate it if you would call us after 3pm the day-of to confirm each – to be absocertainly certain without a shadow of a doubt – this is not annoying and we, at the Empire ARE Tuesday Scientists so we should know.
• By all means if we don’t answer your call PLEASE leave a long winded message AND immediately call back assuming that it was some kind of cellular deficiency that resulted in us missing your call moments prior – no, this is not annoying either.
• The weather at Albion is just fine, it’s ALWAYS FINE.  Assuming you are riding a mountain bike and not paper mache.
• The start time at Albion is ALWAYS 7pm…but be there earlier to register and pre-ride.
• Yes this week will be the [insert whatever event you want here] pre-ride course.  Of course if it wasn’t what does that really matter?

GENERAL ASPECTS OF THE TEAMPSYCLES PRE-RIDE-RIDE:

• Yes, the Empire IS riding up from the Black Bull at 545pm.
• No, you may not join us unless you are BOTH a member (including OCA affiliation) AND can hold an assholes pace on the road up.
• No, the pace isn’t excruciatingly fast, we just aren’t very nice to one another and the ride CAN involve detours and deviations without explanation or previous consideration.
• Yes we are riding up even if it’s raining.
• Yes we are riding up THIS Tuesday.
• Yes we are riding up THIS Tuesday even if it rains.
• Yes we are riding up THIS Tuesday at exactly 545 from the Black Bull, even if it’s raining.

GENERAL PSYCLE CONSUMERS ASPECTS:

• If you call/email 48hrs PRIOR to Tuesday the Empire WILL arrange for a naughty little demo for your use.
• If you call/email 24hrs PRIOR to Tuesday the Empire WILL ride up with a backpack full of parts – first contacted first stuffed.  If what you want doesn’t fit in the Crumpler you are SOL or…
• If you call/email 24hrs PRIOR to Tuesday regarding an item that will NOT fit in the Crumpler or the Crumpler was already full at the time of your call/email – arrangements WILL be arranged for parking lot pickup at the Black Bull back in Bowltown.  
  Note: Waiting for the Empire to tour BACK to the Bull from Albion may be required.
• The Empire thanks you in advance for being a loyal customer.  Without you we would be forced to return to the Court of Dingle to drink mouthwash alone.

With all said and done I was able to make it to the Post Oriface ON TIME, hit the crack stop AND whirl to the Bull lot EARLY.

A first.  

EVER.

With time for dinner;

And a gratuitous and superfluous equipment inspection;

Yes, that is rust you see in the background.  
Sorry Hugh.

Apparently the new FIVE’s have been victim to off kilter cleats for some time.
Loose?  
Nope.  These cleats are fixed-off real good.
A quick attempt to rectify the situation reminded me that stock BEATER bolts can be a little soft when tuned by meat hands…alas, what you see here is NOW the new offset for singlespeed use.

The Empire endorses off kilter cleats for all your riding Knee’ds.

It hardly hurts at all.

You develop a goal.
To ensure success, you are told, you MUST develop a plan.
You execute said plan toward the goal.

VICTORY.

Unless…

Can a (perfectly) good plan remain viable when external conditions make said plan less than ideal?  
Would a truly good plan, despite it’s singular goodness, actually be good at all without fail-safes?

What if the goal in and of itself was so entirely specific that it did not allow for planned deviations outside of the planned goal…then what have you? 

I present, OCUP #1.

While entirely and mostly undeclared my intent for this season is to compete ONLY in OCUPS that I can ride to.  
I plan to ride to (and from) five of the seven, with the closest (Albion) being a non-factor as a result of Dirt Sweat and Dicky.  
Leaving only six more to select the five from (distances each way);  

• Mansfield 50km
• Albion 15km
• Hardwood 100km
• London 200km
• Gravenhurst 175km
• Midland 125km
• Milton 55km

The Goal: Hold fast my generic mid-pack (6th-10th) results with the addition of pre and post training rides.
Increased endurance and more balanced training… 

The Logic:  Personal punishment for my currently terrible state of fitness and extreme lack of dedication during the frosted months.  
An excellent excuse for my results….

The Plan:  Ride to the venue, race, ride home.  
Der…

The Issues:

• The Single Speed category departs in wave B of the 9:30am wave.
• The 6:00am Dingle departure was postponed due to darkness.
• The temperature at 6:30am was a balmy 6c.
• That temperature was only bolstered by frequent driving rains.
• Alternate more roadie-type roads involved periodic crushed gravel soup.
• Main arteries (selected) involved >700m of climbing, no shoulders and plenty of angry hillbillies.
• The additional climbing resulted in additional descending…bolstering the previously bolstered temperature effect.
• The Single Speed category DOUBLED in size over the winter.  Top 10 might as well be expert.

The ride up, despite the conditions, was relatively uneventful.  The odd diesel kiss issued by early rising pig farmers…nothing out of the ordinary.

The first 10k were spent carefully ducking and dodging worm shrapnel.  
Energy wasted.
By the 20k mark it was determined that crushed worm tastes surprisingly like horse shite. 
Stoop and scoop.
By the 30k mark I welcomed the calories of the aforementioned Oligochaeta as well as the warmth offered by their moist innards. 
Health check hammer gel. 

On arrival (approx 52km in 2hr) the stumps at the end of my arms made it difficult to complete waiver forms and license info.  
New problem.
The OCA was it’s usual monopoliptic understanding self; “Come back when you filled out your forms”  ”I can’t read this”  ”Why is your form so wet”  ”You can’t buy THAT kind of license“…as I was dripping profusely on their table and my hands looked like Cher’s spawn, an explanation wasn’t offered.  
They declined taking dictation and miraculously managed to use the form I provided.
VICTORY. 

After paying for my Ontario license and day-of entry I was left with 2$.
VICTORY. 

Enough for one coffee.  

First of the day. 

Half of said nectar was violently shaken loose during the transition from register to table.  
FAIL.
Victim to one of many full body spasms, the remaining coffee proved to be quite warm.  
Nothing more.

I enjoyed a great deal of pity in the chalet awaiting the start.  
I crave this sort of attention.

Out of fear I lined the back row of the single speed paddock.

The turnout was massive.
VICTORY. 

Despite warming up some mid-2nd lap things slowed for the 3rd and final.
I arrived at the finish line while they were all but dismantling the timing tent.
15.5 min behind first.  

If the race was only 20kms longer… 

As if the day couldn’t get worse, numerous offers for a lift home and a miraculous perpetual cough (undoubtedly manifested by my desire to drive home) resulted in yet further failure with the loading of the Zing onto a hitch rack.  

FAIL.

To you, the Friday Few*.

No offence to Friday but Friday (if Friday lived in Hollywood and refused to get a day-job), Friday would be the Bob Saget of the week in terms of business…meaning…if you really have to…you might find something** in the whole painful process to make it worth while…not so much worthwhile as numbing enough to briefly allow you to forget that you’d rather be doing something else.  

A world without Friday?  
A world without Bob Saget?  
Exactly what then would pathetic middle aged men have googled in place of OLSEN TWINS NAKED for some 20 years?
The first 15 of those being incredibly disturbing.

Bob Saget still representing Friday and each of the Olsen’s being a weekend day (it’s probably best if the perpetually drugged out one serves as Saturday)…in summary, no Friday, no weekend…now, truth be told, while the point has really lost most of its momentum it is clearly exemplifying the current state of my resolve…just keep typing…just keep typing…

Bottom line, low traffic makes the already painful process of subservient-independent thought and production-line-originality, even more taxing.

The irony (of course) is that todays LOW traffic dwarfs the HIGH traffic days of yore when the Empire had the time for engaging thought…

CIGAMAN – Cannibalism?
Forum Etiquette 

So just what sort of thing are you going to miss out on onnacounta the Empire’s lack of motivation?

Ultimately.  
Nothing.

As you can see the banner is new,  some olde names are gone, new ones have been added.
Most certainly an explanation of these modifications will inevitably follow…they were, afterall, worth the effort of revision in the first place.

So stay tuned for that.  

It promises to be riveting.

You might also expect furthermore sidebar additerations of some things and other things.

Please Note:
Kevin Nierman remains intact (although slightly right of center) despite his horrific inability to update his pre-Psycle website.  
I’d say contact him and demand something new (lord knows he hasn’t done shite for me this year and he must be doing something) but his CONTACT link goes to his Vance address.

Silly Nierman…nobody and I do mean nobody, wants to see paintings of tomatoes infested with Hornworm or pastel renderings of Paraphimosis in Bulls.

To the good olde days!

*It is a proven fact that blogular traffic drops mastinkingly on Fridays.
**For you, it’s Liesnshite, and today that ‘it on the shite’ is this.

7.2 million views

51k comments 

WTF’ingF?

Can’t touch that.

As many of you consumer types are jealous of my blogular proficiency as it happens to impact your order shipping, I shall offer but a quick one two, maybe a three if the google gods are generous.

Item # 1 

diSSent (Fe) Pre-Booking 

Thanks to the incredible success of the mastermindful product launch at Sea Otter, the first (previously and primarily accounted for) batch will be expanded.

American steel, welded in Canada.
875$
(eight hundred and seventy five dollars) 

Is there anything comparable?
No.  But there is a line. 

The first run will no longer include those frames destined for media outlets and reviewer type peoples.
Not that product won’t be made available to these good people.
This gratuitous inventory will simply be considered above and beyond the initial consumer batch.

What this means, effectively in effect immediately right now is; 
FIVE (5) more frames have been relocated for use by the GP.

• Order HERE.
• Read HERE.
• Feel better HERE. 

Furthermore.  
In accordance with our almost anything for you attitude towards customer order servicing, we will consider offering raw steel with clear as an option.  

Make a note on your order if that’s your case.

NOTE:  Sizing for batch one will be based on those ordered, with subsequent orders you will not be so lucky – sizing will be based on a production run – first bought first sold.

Item #2

Flaming Head Badges 

Nothing is official until it is.
Genuine Misfit Psycles Brass Headbadges of brilliant superbness have arrived and begun shipping.

• Hook up.  
  This badge will make any olde frame a little eviler – 29$(us).
• Spice up.  
  Upgrade your new Misfit frame (at the time of ordering) – 15$(us).
• Ketch up.  
  Have a frame? Wish you had the badge?  We can help – 15$(us).

Keeping your head all badged is only half of our job, in addition, each and every frame produced by the Empire recieves a lovely aluminum seattube badge…

This is not an option.  
Not an upgrade.  
This is a genuine Mr T luxury offered to you, the little people, by the high rolling executypes at Misfit Psycles.

So nice it could have been made by the Germans, Germans make good stuff, this genuine seattube badge (not actually made by Germans but could have been) MUST be good stuff.

In the event that you awoke this morn with a desire to slather your body in this lighter than air adhesive backed jewelry, additional badges can be purchased for a paltry 5$(us).

Item #3, isn’t really an item at all

The Empire is on a Roll

With this kind of international cooperational success, Defense Scheme #1 has all but been destroyed.
The Empire still has it’s eyes on Minneapolis.  Maybe Seattle. 

Just try and stop us.

Ordinarily this would be the end of the drivel, but since you’ll probably find this next video anyway, we’d rather you left with the impression that we invented this kind of funny.  

And sex ghosts are funny, among other things.

Piss off.