Certainty Number One:

APPLE INC.

Apple is obnoxiously expensive.
Pacing the length of the Apple Store while the children mess with Mac’s and poke at Pod’s will NOT make the price any less offensive.

Apple is sexy.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Apple is stupendously simple.
Despite the most stalwart of half-efforts, this device installed as intended WITHOUT the need for fleshy persuasion.

Certainty Number Two:

TOM LOWRY.

Wee Tom.
Despite traveling the Olde World, eyes agog with puppy love, he still takes a moment to remember the more important people that he abandoned.

No.  This is neither a prescription for VALTREX nor is it (likely) drunk scrawl.

This may be wine, but that particular  verre de fermented Welch’s did not piss up his penmanship, this is just the way he writes.

His teacher tells his parents and I that it should improve along with his coordination, post puberty.

Two points to note on this particular parque de pena postage.

It arrived on the Court on the 26th.
Practically next day for a mere 0.80 Euro.

Good boy Tom.
I hate you a little less for leaving me now.

What’s that Tom?
Just how many others remembered the Empire’s 5th Tom?

Certainty Number Three:

GIVING TO DINGLE IS GOOD.

There is no such thing as a bad gift.
When that particular gift, is the gift of metal.

Vince Anderson, mountaineer, fellow Breck Epiceer, (with the assistance of local Canadian contacts) procured this fine selection as a gesture of his undying admiration and partial man-crushedness.

Those of you that enjoyed the Misfit Psycles Dance Party soundtrack (available in your dreams) should also like to thank Vince for his recommendation, rather, insistence that Zimmers Hole be included.

Thou shalt end the time of Metallic weakness.  Mount your steeds, and ride like the wind to save metal again.

Eager to further demonstrate that hair doesn’t grow on steel, his machismo and all around good tastedness, Vince will soon be a proud (and possibly the most famous) diSSent (Fe) owner…

Certainty Number Four:

HOT PEPPERS ARE HOT.
Otherwise, they’re just PEPPERS.

When cooking with (particularly cutting) Cayenne Peppers it is imperative that you wash your hands BEFORE touching sensitive areas all willy nilly.  It is also suggested that you put the knife down.

Eyes.

Mouth.

Penis.

Wash your hands after you pee, certainly.
Wash your hands before you pee, apparently.

Not initially, but eventually, a most incredible and horrible experience.

It’s not JUST the length of time it takes for the heat to climax and retreat, but the confounding self doubt (concerning the source) and utter confusion (what do I do? will it stop?  is it still getting hotter?  will anyone in the ER believe that I didn’t have sex with a capsicum?) that the incredible discomfort brings.

Images graciously omitted.

BUY SOMETHING.

In 2009 less 1, the Single Speed World Championships were hosted by Curtis (et al) in Napa CA.

Excited as we were, the actual GETTING TO part of the planning proved to be somewhat dubious.  Napa might as well be Machu Picchu as far as Canada’s Monopoly Airline was concerned.

OUR MISSION: Connecting Canada and the World
Well that is some of it, at least the parts we see fit.
Air Canada

Back then, the EEC (Empiric Economic Crisis) had just reared it’s ugly head, a budget of 114.75$ was established for the trip.

Procuring a relatively cheap (and tax deductible) flight to Vancouver was simple.
Budget immediately blown to shite.  ECC escalates.

Budget or not, the Vancouver flight was far and away the cheapest option and left a mere 3″ drive to Napa and our slab of dirt at Skyline Park.
1601 in 24.

While the south bound trip was fueled by eye propping anticipation, the return trip was riddled with rumble strip dalliances and an eventual stop-over in the Wrongcouver.

NEVER AGAIN.

Fast forward, SSWC 2008 plus 1. Durango CO.

Durango.  Colorado.  United States.  Closer then Mars.

Troubles with Durango:

• Durango is in Colorado
  • Altitude in no friend of mine.
• DRO is not an international airport
  • No direct flights from YYZ.
  • Air Canada doesn’t even offer CONNECTORS to DRO.
• Interbike is only days later in LAS
  • Even if we COULD fly direct it wouldn’t be round trip.
  • Double your budget.
  • ONE-WAY car rental fees range from 400-600$.
  • Triple your budget.
• The continued ECC at Corporate
  • All proceeds from Psycle Sales have been allocated to the management protection fund.
• Durango is just there
  • In the middle…not here or there.
  • Conveniently located equidistant from any and all Interstates.

Founded in 1880 by a group of Anti-Socialists, evidentially electing to set up civilization after becoming lost on their way to the center of the fucking earth.
A mere 110 years later, Durango would play host to the first Mountain Bike World Championships…and that’s how we got here…here to me trying to get there…there where they evidentially don’t want me to go.
At least not easily.

It’s not all bad (tough shite Durango Tourism if it sounds that way) Durango has always been high on my elective list of places I’d like to see if the opportunity presented itself.
Easily.

Following repeated delays, numerous cancellations, frequent tantrums and  regular calls to those in the know that might not go…plans have finally been finalized.

We would like to share them with you.

• September 17
  • 06:30 (edt) Depart YYZ to MTL to LAS
  • 10:55 (pdt) Fly OVER Durango
  • 11:20 (pdt) Arrive LAS
  • 11:30 (pdt) Depart LAS to Durango
  • 21:00 (mdt) Arrive at the Prince of Tec’s (Justin) Econo-Palace
• September 18 – 19
  • OPEN (Race date September 19)
• September 20
  • Depart Durango – towards Wherever (Fruita?)
• September 21
  • RIDE
  • Depart Wherever – towards Wherever?
• September 22
  • 10:00 (pdt) Arrive Boulder City (NV)
  • 10:10 (pdt) Interbike Dirt Demo
  • 17:00 (pdt) Depart Boulder City
  • 18:15 (pdt) Arrive Planet Hollywood (LasVegas)
• September 23
  • 10:00 (pdt) INTERBIKE
  • 18:00 (pdt) CROSSVEGAS
• September 24
  • 11:05 (pdt) Depart LAS to YYZ
  • 16:08 (edt) Arrive YYZ
  • 16:15 (edt) Snicker at customs agent

Be there.

THIS will ever be, the sights of Hot August Nights 2009:

Photo Credit: Kyle ‘This is my Real Name’ Smith

THIS was almost, the sounds of Hot August Nights 2009:

Misfit Psycles Inc does hereby challenge Land Magnate Clay, Sock Horder Grant and (in default) Hobo Thad to out-do, out-weird and out-lion safari TEAM SPEED at Dirt Sweat and Gears 2010.

Another weekend.
Another race.

This time, something different.
This time, it was corporate.

That is, not one, but TWO 6-10 man (rather PERSON) corporate teams…

…Hot August Nights would mark the FINAL all-stop in the illustrious Misfit Psycles DANCE PARTY and World Tour.

A world cross-dominating trip of uber brilliance that started way back in MAY at DSG.

The secondary event began some eighteen hours prior to the official race gun (in accordance with Plan 9 etiquette, any and all photographic evidence was destroyed).

As anticipated Hot August Nights began with a great big bang, the secondary became the primary.
Sadly (though equally as predictably) it would promptly be followed by some wimpy whimpers;

• “Dude you destroyed Tyler’s derailleur.”
• “So all I did was ghost rode my bike into the creek, look at this wheel.  This should be covered by warranty.”
• “I will ride only after 6pm, make that dusk, but I won’t do night laps or muddy ones.”
• “Guys, after 10pm it’s quite okay?  Well after 11 for sure.  Guys?”
• “Peter, here’s my entry cash, sorry it’s late.  So uh Peter, I notice you’ve got extra cash, buy me a round?”
• “Gord, is that a bird you have on a leash?”
• “What’s your fork warranty?  I hit a tree.”*

*This utterance was added for contrast and perspective.  While ALL others were mouthed by the highly influenced THIS was a question asked by Bomber Bob…he was sober and at least partly serious.

As a result of the (now) main events extravagance, the remainder of the weekend could never really surpassed the watermark established.
How could it?

One of the main additions to this years Team Misfit was the absolution and absorption of Team Speed.

Detractors were uncertain, they believed that the bucket heads with their full suspension things and shifty flat pedals would dilute the pure AWESOME that is Corporate Psycles (it should be noted that no shifters were harmed during the race, Team Speed would ride demo’s for every lap).

Detractors were wrong.

On key yet en retard, Team Speed arrived with kegs in a trunk and a leopard skin couch for a bed.

Additional Friday notables include;

• Lee McGough wins last solo standing for his efforts.  Surpassing my Solstice record by at least an hour.
• The Scarlett House ‘Catering’ for enduring and encouraging the festivities.
• Chico Racing for not pulling anything other then their own plugs.
• Trevor ‘I’m not drinking tonight because I’m going to pick up the inlaws at the airport’ Geerts.  Sad, in a ‘I’m not really a man‘ kind of way.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Saturday morning came early for many.
Saturday noon even earlier, albeit later.

Rain would, predictably, preface the start.
Unlike the last few races though, it would only hang around enough to limit demonstrator use and slicken the trails ever so slightly.

It would NOT result in a catastrophe of canceling proportions…

VICTORY!
I guess.

During the race TEAM SNOW turned their focus away from THE CONTEST contest while others (at least and apparently only one) took the opportunity to step up their entries into the MOST CREATIVE category.

While the results of these efforts will be nearly impossible to tabulate, as is evidenced in the photo, at least ONE person yanked a tab…good enough for inclusion.
VEGAN is currently in the run-away lead*.

* Rumour has it that there was an EARLIER version of this very same campaign emblazon with TEAM DICKY.  It is also our understanding that THAT particular Dicky-flyer was DESTROYED on trail by angry Psyclomaniacs.  If you have a photo of the original, please forward it, we may consider disqualification by means of secondary wagon jumping.

In the end both Team Psycles competed valiantly and admirably.

All members contributed to their respective teams and all participated in the Dance Party and AWESOME give away…the whole thing was quite touching and a whole lot better then having to PAY actual employees to do it.

If you missed tossing the bag through Sir Toppem’s Heart* then you need to step right up and BUY YOUR STRAP today.

* This contest was nothing short of absolutely dumbfounding.
It was with an incredible amount of amazement that we observed just how many cyclists were NEVER CHILDREN or where born into some sort of sickly Legume-Free-Environ.

Just how many had NO CLUE what to do with the bag, in spite of the presence of a giant painted board with holes on the trail?
AT LEAST 10%

Just how many  DID comprehend the complex and ellusive point of the bag, yet had absolutely NO coordination or aim whatsoever?
AT LEAST 85%

Again.
Thanks to Psyclomaniacs, thanks to Chico Racing, thanks to BackCountry Research, thanks to random dude come robo-cheerer and thanks to all of you that don’t make me want to vomit on sight.

Plans for stops in and on the 2010 TOUR DUH PSYCLE are currently being considered…CONTACT the Empire if you have somewhere new where we can pee.

THE CONTEST contest continues to rage.

Things worth noting:

• The usual cast of players are playing.
  Traffic increases and surges from here to there are based on their whim for the posting moment.  In the end there is a net increase of continued and sustainable readership and they (at least officially) get the credit they so deservedly require.
• There is vast array of NEW (and relevant) link sources.
  While none (individually) are at risk of decimating traffic graphs, the number of individual sources has increased dramatically.
• Once the link sources link, return traffic is respectable.
  Meaning people come back, of their own volition. Perhaps scrabble journalism is a valid source of news and reviews in the Psycling world.  Perhaps Fear and Lubing on Dingle WILL see the light of a Silver Screen one day.
• Some of you WOULD cheat.  If there were rules.
  While there are NO RULES there ARE INTENTIONS…lets explore…

TEAM SNOW.
Some of you may remember them from all the HARD WORK and DEEP DISCOUNTS provided to kit them up and make them look more dashing.  It’s not about the money, it’s about doing something good, for the little people.

As a remotely local bunch, a good group with remaining ties to the Empire, there was an unspoken expectation that they would fair in THE CONTEST contest.
Their results less important then the results.

A show of solidarity.

Following the first week, not nothing, but certainly little action.
Then.  One day.  There is a blip.

Misfit webmasters head to TEAMSNOW.ca to see what’s what.

Obviously.  That can’t be it.

It cant be, not for the reasons listed but because THIS is:

A hidden page.
A veritable magnate for creepy crawlies and algorithmics.

But wait, there’s more.

Further sleuthing  revealed the MAIN source of this Snow Blower Plot, HERE:

Cross pollination with Audifiles, it could work.  Trek and that cheap Audi worked well enough.

Exposure is exposure.
And the kind of exposure that doesn’t kill you or result in an electro magnetic anklet is all good.

Who knows, someone somewhere might just see the brilliance in this here penmanship and wisk us away from it all…where we will report things from on-high…

By golly, it’s working, moose likes us, he really likes us!

FAIL.

Ryan.  I know you can hear me.
Please call out while you ride through the Dance Partay this weekend…I want to give you your prize.

NEW CONTEST.

In accordance with ITEM #1 of yesterdays “Not Started” list, ANYONE, who brings me the contents of THAT particular gas tank this weekend wins something AWESOME.

Bring me the melted rubber and crumpled steel and I will deny any knowledge.