At the best of times my opinions are of little to no consequence.

A long time ago at a pub not so far away I was asked about my opinions concerning the Niner Carbon Fork.

In this case, concerning this matter, my inconsequential opinion was wrong.

And the great wait began.

Not so long after, at the very same pub, I was informed that my assistance would be required to mount said fork onto a diSSent.

This is the first time I’d had my hands on the fork.
Uninstalled.
Carbon steerer and all.

And as it turns out there is ONE THING that frightens me more then the possibility of splattering down the trail with nothing more then a single pound of plastic and fiber weave keeping my chicklets from dislodging…

…that is, installing said for someone else.

Install it?
Don’t Install that.
Install it…

This was a question that was SERIOUSLY debated on the Court of Dingle prior to the events that you read before you.

Obviously the Niner Carbon fork is not the first carbon legged creature intended to be beaten on dirt…and as a regular user of the latter…the material in and of itself scares me not.

There are lots of pretty pictures, plenty of copulated calculations and 3d modelings…I’m not questioning their ‘homework’.

What’s wrong with carbon?
Nothing.  Persay.

It’s just…

Certain materials are made for certain applications.
Certain applications require specific designs.
Specific designs for each (reasonable) expectation.

Your results may vary, I will happily and blindly continue to repress innovation in favour of  convenience and complacency.
Deviating only when I can see the bottom.

There are reviews, claims, tests, naysayers and touters across the triple w surrounding the Niner fork.

This isn’t intended to be that.

I won’t be reviewing the fork.

I just installed the fork.

I will be riding a mere bikes length from the owner for the better part of the winter and the coming 2010 season (presuming he makes it).

I will NOT be developing an opinion outside of my initial opinion(s) on the fork (regardless of the final results).

For what it’s worth, knowing that the fork would be safe from random hammer attacks is somewhat reassuring…that sort of shit happens every time we ride the enchanted forest to that little slut Cinderella’s cottage.

These sort of demonstrations are integral assertions.

Before proceeding with the installation, you MUST read the installation manual.

A double digits worth of pages on pages of legalese.  If this manual was a manuscript it would be The English Patient.

No doubt a document intended to formally notify you of your litigious limitations and rider responsibilities…admittedly something that is sadly all to common place in the cycling industry.

That said, much like the design of the fork itself, this manual is groundbreaking by industry standards.

While I am not a legal scientist it is my assumption that short of Chris himself stabbing you in the heart repeatedly (with said fork) until you are dead, anything that happens while you are riding with the fork:

Could have happened, would have happened, was totally avoidable, was the result of misuse, miss-installation and certainly probably was something you should have pre-considered before it happened.

What’s wrong with carbon forks?
Nothing. Persay.

When restrictions and exclamations exceed factual data.
There just might be a problem.

One of the benefits with installing under such meticulous constrictions was that it allowed me to finally make use of my Mariposa PRO Torque Wrench.

Just how much is 2.2 Nm?
Not enough.

Yet apparently all too much.

The top cap shows signs of bubbling…ride at your own risk.
2.2 Nm…roughly the force it takes to crush a mosquito.  Or less.

No worry.  According the the disclaimer…instructions, that’s ‘pre-load’ only.

We’ll sort the still loose goose out with the stem bolts.
Right?

Torque the stem to manufacturers specifications.
Presumably the stem manufacturer…who designed the stem…not the steerer.

ACTUNG! CAREFUL.

Do NOT overtighten the stem.  You could damage the steerer and die a terrible death.

After much deliberation and consideration.  8.8 Nm it is.
Feels snug.
Could be tighter.
Should be tighter.
Could be too tight.

And now, the shuffling sound you hear is the Niner legal department washing their hands of this particular matter…grey town…population, your next of kin.

What’s wrong with an oversized carbon (road) fork for mountain use?
Nothing.  Persay.

In the end the fork looks outrageous.
And by outrageous I mean in a sick to wicked kind of way.

The bike is a full 2 lbs lighter then the cheap chromo number he had on prior.
The bike looks hot.
Surprised?

NINER, as anticipated, without compare, had one of the most impressive displays at Interbike 2010.

This is a company that knows their shite.
They know how to market their shite.
They know how to package their shite.
They know how to make you drool all over their shite.

It’s mob rule and totally glam.
It’s not wrong.
If that’s what floats your boat.

I don’t mind admitting that that kind of presentation and closure, the kind of blind desire driven purchase, achieved long before the shop floor and eons before the first ride, makes me incredibly envious.

I’ve repeatedly done things the back ways over.
Dirt up.
Because I’m stupid.  Because I’m poor.  Because I’m not first.

And for the record.
There’s nothing WRONG with wearing a white chamois after labour day.
Persay.

Just not for me.
Not then, not now.

COMING SOON:

Details on the Misfit Psycles CARBON and CHROMO forks for all your winter upgrade needs.

LAST DAY OF THE 100$ OFF SALE

That is to say that you can enjoy ONE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS OFF the price of INSTOCK dissent (Al) frames until 23:59:59 September 30.

Coupon Code: dissent100

DETAILS HERE.

DEPOSIT DEFUNCTED* – diSSent (Fe) OPENING

That is to say that you can jump the shark, pass go and MOVE DIRECTLY TO THE FRONT OF THE WAITING LIST.
All you have to do is ensure that your 250$ deposit clears.

TWO diSSENT (Fe)’s AVAILABLE.

* Not entirely without heart, those with failed deposits were not ejected in entirety but simply moved to the NEXT** batch***.

** Scheduled for EARLY December.

*** Next batch is approaching 50% pre-sold****.  Holiday rush no doubt.

**** NO.  The next batch is NOT only two frames wide.  Ass.

ORDER HERE.

To clarify and be more precise.
The next TWO diSSent (Fe) orders will replace those unfortunate souls with bounced deposits. THIS BATCH IS SCHEDULED TO GO UNDER FLAME THIS WEEK for delivery in early October.

Don’t delay, operators are standing by, we cannot hold this offer much longer…

BUY THE GENUINE ORIGINAL MOST AWESOME diSSent (Fe) today.

Your frame will be an actual defacto replica of the one used in DURANGO COLORADO at the SSWC 2009.

The very same one that proceeded to DESTROY Team Dicky: Uber Pro Racer-Type Persona and professional cyclist for MOOTS CYCLES.

RANTS ON LEAVING LAS VEGAS:

Clark County Nevada.
If you want people to RETURN to Las Vegas please make LEAVING Las Vegas easier.
There is no reason whatsoever that your intertwined, casino-bred, asymmetrically layered streets should be devoid of airport signage.
The airport that’s RIGHT THERE.  I can see it.  I can ALWAYS see it.
Invest in more signs.
And not the giant fancy kind with boobs all over them either.
The little plane ones where the nose points people in the right direction.

All (prepay) Gas Stations.
Theft is a problem for everyone.  Theft of gas might be a problem.  But theft prevention is YOUR problem.
I am not a crook.
If you insist on forcing pre-payment, at airport locations, make sure the machine doesn’t require a ZIP code.
If you insist on ZIP verification, at airport locations the point at which outsiders (some of whom are devoid of a ZIP) make their entry/exit from the city, make sure that you don’t hire mental midgets to work the register.
Grade six.
Insist on it.

Mental Midget at AM/PM.
What part of “I want to pay by cash” did you not understand?
I say ‘I want to pay by cash‘ and you say ‘credit?‘
I repeat ‘I want to pay by cash‘ and you say ‘credit!‘
I see a CASH register.  ’Is that a cash register?‘  and you say ‘Yes‘.
‘A device specifically designed for the collection of CASH?  The result of CASH payments rendered to YOU for goods and services provided?  In CASH?‘
‘Yes‘.
‘That is how I’d like to pay you.  In CASH‘.
‘Credit‘.
Why it then took me 10 minutes of raging and waving twenties only to end up paying by credit is beyond me (particularly while at least one person interrupted my troubled transaction to pay for products in CASH).
I suppose I fell victim to LCD or something.

United Airlines Check-in Agent ‘A’(hole).
‘Is that a bike?‘
‘Yes, yes it is.’
‘So you’re checking in a bike?‘
‘Yes.  I am checking in a bike.
‘A bike?‘
‘Yes.  That is why I said I have a bike.  That is why I declared the bike at that terminal box right there.  That is why I have a bike box beside me.  That is why I am in the oversized/special handling check-in.  That is why I handed you a receipt for the bike handling fee I paid.  Yes.  I am checking in a bike.’
‘Is there a problem sir?‘
‘I don’t know.  I have a bike, I paid extra to check in the bike, I was directed to get the tag and drop the bike at the oversized/special handling check-in, I am at the oversized/special handling check-in and?’
‘I don’t like your attitude sir.’
‘It’s not really an attitude.  Your question was just stupid that’s all.  Frankly the more you ask the question the stupider it gets.’
…
‘Yes, I will go to the REGULAR check-in counter.’

United Airlines Check-in Agent ‘B’(itch).
‘Is that a bike?‘
‘Yes, yes it is!’
‘So you’re checking in a bike?‘
‘Yes.  I am checking in a bike!
‘A bike?‘
‘Yes.  That is why I initially went to the oversized/special handling check-in.  That gentleman sent me to you.’
‘A bike?‘
‘Yes.  That is why I said I have a bike.  Why I told both of you that I have a bike.  That is why I declared the bike at that terminal box right there.  That is why I have a bike box beside me.    That is why I handed you a receipt for the bike handling fee I paid.  Yes.  I am checking in a bike.’
‘Is there a problem sir?‘
‘I don’t know.  I have a bike, I paid extra to check in the bike, I was directed to get the tag and drop the bike at the oversized/special handling check-in, I went to the oversized/special handling check-in and was sent to YOU.’
‘Look, he’s standing right there, maybe you could ask HIM why I am here…there he is…right there…just say psssst.’
‘I don’t like your attitude sir.’
‘So long as we are airing our grievances I would like to state that I don’t appreciate the intelligence of the United Airlines check-in staff this morning.’
…
‘No, I will NOT go to the OVERSIZED check-in counter.’
…
‘Security, management, god…call anyone you need to, anyone that might help you print that teeny tiny little label.’
…
‘I WILL have a nice flight, thank you.’

TRAVEL BONUS(es):

The return flight from Las Vegas to Toronto was blessed with a layover long enough for a breakfast break in Denver.

As I am boarding (the final leg) I see Jim ‘ the dragon’ Treliving in first class.

I see Jim.  Jim sees me.
I smile.  Jim smiles.
As I continue to walk towards him, the gaze intensifies.
I am a Millennium Falcon caught in his tractor beam.
My smile grows.  I begin to shake, just a little bit.
As I pass I lean over and say ‘I’m a big fan’.
He smiles, he affectionately grasps my arm.
Our stare intensifies, his grip tightens.
He looks me in the eye and yells ‘SECURITY!*‘

* This part may or may not have happened.  The truth was told until this part.  Jim did grasp my arm and I had a moment.  Sadly though, I am NO CLOSER TODAY to appearing on Dragon’s Den then I was last week.

The return flight arrived in Toronto EARLY.

My bike AND bag both arrive…as planned.

And that is traveling Misfit Style.
That is all.

Some might say that Thursday began late Wednesday.

Arguably, Thursday ne’er came at all.
Lost in the swirl that was Interbike, CrossVegas and the Rapha Party.

Of course Thursday was not the only thing lost that day.
That night.
The night that wasn’t.

Justin of Princeton Tec is no longer on my LIST.
ANY of my lists.

• He was removed from the ‘friend‘ list at SSWC 09 because he smells of ass.  His whole-ass-smelled’ness made the Econolodge smell.  Worse.
• He was added to the ‘people I would probably kill if I found out I was terminal‘ list when I overheard…”Karen?  Oh, we better wait then.  I thought you said Peter was still in line“.
• He was deleted as an entity altogether when he failed to show for my last night in town.  Excuse: “my phone is dying“.

RIP whatsyourname.  While you’re there, say hi to your phone.

Mike of Trans-Sylvania Epic has been put on probation.

• Despite prying him with libations at the near-dry Cross venue (by dry I mean long lines and no outside sources), introducing (and touting) he and his event to the copious and influential Psyclomaniacs in attendance and sharing a cab away from the soccer pitch of sobriety…Mike simply tucked and rolled as the cab putted past his Las Lodging.
• That’s his second strike.
• The first was forcing me to carry him (broke back and all) up the pass on day 5 (of the Breck) only for him and his squishiness to leave me on the dissent.

Either way, at 03:35 pst September 24, the journey back to the Court of Dingle began.

This note was necessary to inform/remind/warn my room-mate (as in chum, NOT in the Wild Kingdom sense, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just, he’s kinda gross) of the impending departure.

Today is a big assed shipping day.
Catching up on orders placed in the last week.

Today is a big assed prep day.
Building and rebuilding in preparation for the final 8 HOUR.

So far…3rd in SPRING, 2nd in SUMMER, do I smell VICTORY for the Head Psycle in the OVERALL?

After crushing Dicky…ANYTHING is possible.

Trying to compress Interbike (into one day) was a matter of necessity.

And by necessity I mean, it beats spending another day, I’ve had enough.

Enough, now that there is work to be done.

7 hrs 50 mins.

That’s correct.

It took near eight hours to compile this caboodle.

Bah.

That’ll do.