This was my yesterday.

This is Marble Mania.

A gift.  For the children.
From someone. Someone that doesn’t reside here.
A winner.  Of genuine awards.  The toy that is.
From toy experts.  Experts without children.

This is Marble Mania expanded.

Complete with 2 power lifters.
An electric sound chamber.
Over 500 pieces in all.

This is Marble Mania considered.

Loops and rotating gears.
5 independent marble tracks.
Ages 8 and up.

This is my brain on Marble Mania.

All data and considerations are courtesy of the cardboard propaganda.

MM Educational Benefits:

Introduces concept of basic mechanics.
Stimulates tactile skills.
Develops large motor skills.
Develops problem solving skills.
Enhances self confidence.

This is Marble Mania in full retreat.

There was silence.

There was silence, silence, silence, silence…”Daddy Claws, WHY?”

So I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick…”Why my sweet little tot, these instructions are French.  And they are missing.  It’s too large for our table.  And the parts?  Mostly most are missing, missing, missing.“

This is tear control for parental units.  They won’t teach this in Home Economics.

“Who wants to go to Reptilia?”

Additional MM Educational Benefits:

Tolerance.
Packing and re-packing.
Problem solving.
Negotiation.

Today.

The ROM and public transit.

In unrelated hands-free-productivity news:

Purchased Vlingo…it would seem that berry obnoxification, now complete.

Yes Daniel, that means I will one day reply.

Until the Vlingo is streetified, should you email the Empire, understand, duck (unless in the context of some watery foul or a potential decapitation) means fuck.
Also, if there is anyone using Vlingo that KNOWS how to teach it profanity…speak me an email.

I’ve got nothing.

Literally.

Read this almost top-three busting award.

TWENTY NINE INCHES

Sometime later:

diSSent (Al) containered delay update.

diSSent (Fe) production list.

diSSent…domestic (Al) prototype status.

Ultimate Gift Guide: ULTIMATE MEGA WINNER!

Here it is.

Alluded to way back on the 11th and arriving at a generitable climax on the 23rd.

On this the eve of the day on whom you are supposed to present, may we introduce the most incredible, most sought, most durable, usable and prudent of ALL cycling like things.

Single Speed Wallet – MISFIT PSYCLES – 3.29$

Super salient clear-like colouring ensures optimal performance and increased visibility of wallet contents.
BE AWARE: The single speed wallet MAY become invisible in the event that it is left empty on a flat surface for a prolonged period.

The expounding 4″x6″ size is large enough for the things you need and small enough to be transported hither and dale.

Just how versatile?  Depends on your definition.  Testers at Corporate Psycles gave this product an incredible 3 ranking.

Include a cell phone during workable hours and bingo, you have a tax-avoidable expense.

Made from genuine and irreplaceable fair trade plastic.  The sturdy 2mm sidewalls will hold your goodies snug and keep them wetness free for the life of the wallet.
A slip-slide zip-lockable top will secure the belongings within the baggie until such a time that they are needed.

Interchangeable, transformable, affordable, durable and totally sheik the Singlespeed Wallet from Misfit Psycles is this years most ULTIMATE and MEGA winner of the Cyclist’s Gift Guide, 2009.

HOORAY people.  Rejoice and embrace.

Most of all,

Merry Christmas Bitches!

Ultimate Gift Guide: Personal

Perhaps you find yourself on this here late date still without the right gift for that cycle person in what is your pathetic excuse for a life.

Shame is hereby supersized and entirely non-refundable.

Being as today is the sub-nearo final (except for the grand-champion most ULTIMATE gift) day of gift suggestions…you really do have to pick one.
Then.  Make Merry.

Maca Root Shave Cream – Body Shop –  10$

Cyclist’s shave.  All of them.  Eastern European women, exemplified.  Sometimes those that shave do so further than others that do do.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
This tiny little (125ml) tube will last well beyond the gunk clearing capacity of the vessels lid and orifice.  The mere presence of Body Shop Maca Root Shave Cream (in any)  toiletry bag screams I’m-a-man-of-beauty to all would be bag sniffers.
While my current personal usage is limited to facial follicles, having read further (the Macdaddy root) of it’s apparently amazing endurance like capacity, suffice to say it has led to considerations for optional applications.

Flask – In God We Trust – 50$

Beer is just not always trailable.  Whisky, more so.
A flask adds an aura of pomp to your circumstance and prevents those annoying shards of glass from imbedding in your soft tissue. Safety first.
Sadly, by the time we made it to press the Cheers Mother Fucker version of the flask was sold the fucker out.  All reasonable attempts were made to procure additional volumes…it is not to be.
True there is a POISON version.  There is nothing funny about poison.
Might we suggest a set of disposable flasks instead.

Kick Ass Coffee – Kicking Horse – 13.95$

Coffee.  Drink lots.  Be fast and poop regularly.
Your 6000$ Epic can be welded by bound babies and your carbon bars rolled on the thighs of Taiwanese school girls, but it is absolutely inexcusable to drink anything less then Fairly traded Organismic coffee.

Merino Wool Socks – Swiftwick – 13.95$

Just socks you say?
Hell no.  These socks have been genetically enhanced with genuine science to offer an unrivaled 5% increase in vitesse.
While this claim of performance enhancement remains entirely unsubstantiated for the most part, the other part is entirely accurate and not in the least fabricated.
Buy the socks.  They won’t regret it.

Fitted Yog’ah Hoodie – Lululemon – 88$

You were supposing that we would whore the more traditional black as speed hoodies?
Sure black is all the rage.  Sure the PsycleStore coupon code: zumbapants will get you 25% of all psycle clothing…
BUT.  It’s that’s kind of sub-haute-couture-sell-out that necessitates and justifates why my personal post-exertion hoodie is grey and slightly effeminate.
Fight the power.  Stick it to the man.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Cozy, comfy and when combined with a wide collection of Body Shop hygenic lotions, entirely cosmopolitan.

That is all for the mostly list.

If you’d care to see the list in it’s most entirely, CLICK ME!

Last up…The Supreme Ultimate Most Awesome Cyclist’s Gift.

Ever.

Ultimate Gift Guide: Tools

The necessities.  The essentials.  No work bench is complete without.

Electrical Tape – 3M or Someone Else – 1.99$

Duct tape is for thugs.  Electrical tape…pure, elegant and simple.  Do anything, go anywhere, be all.
10 packs can be had for less.
Bulk is the new long.

Genuine Fork Tuner* - VPT – 6.99$

This 7 oz beauty is a pseudo-replica of an actual fork hammer.  The very same type of blunt striking instrument that might be exactly similar to the one used by Niner to demonstrate the elongated impact absorption of their plastic fork.
That is, if they didn’t elect for the hammer’s bitch-ass cousin, the Ball Pein (incidentally this is French for sans balls).
Unlimited to fork work, this versatile CLAW hammer is well known on the Court of Dingle for it’s pivotal assembly roll; whack-o-meter.
*Not in any way shape or form to be confused with a Tuning Fork.

Rustic Decals – Dominic Wilcox – 7.98$+-

Cyclists.  Primarily and mostly a self absorbed bunch.  Obsessed with aesthetics, performance, equipment, maintenance and technology…continually lusting for the newest and bestest makes for a perpetually evolving garage of the most hottest need to steal items.
Help them protect their property through the artistic process of artificial aging.
This product does not carry any sort of actual guarantee of security, it does promise one thing, the cyclist that applies this to their Cervelo won’t look like quite the vain pompous dick they actually is*.
*Will not assist in the diffusion of asshatality on owners of Light Speed or  Felt bikes.

Torque Wrench – Effetto Mariposa – 249.95$

Because life isn’t all hammers and tape.  Although there would be a whole whack more girl-girl business if it was.
The Effetto Mariposa, even if ne’er utilized, offers and air of specific officiality to any garage.
Sure there is the standard version for a slice less…but since when is practicality what the season is about?

DELUXE White Electrical Tape – Tape People – 1.99$

No.  You’re probably right.  Mass quantities of basic black are probably all any cyclist could ever need.
And what’s more?  Less.  While you’re at it, what say we don’t even consider adding anything from the rainbow.
Heathen.

Next, not to mention, last up.

Ultimate CYCLIST’S Gift Guide: Personal.