It’s Not Too Late!
- We buy gifts we can’t afford for people that don’t want them.
- We do things we would rather not with people who feel the same.
- We neglect people we shouldn’t to endure people we tolerate.
That is to say.
For one month.
One twelfth of a year.
Thirty 1 days, we devote untold, unsavory, uninspiring and utterly unspeakable hours to the (supposedly) selfless merrymaking of others.
Perhaps, rather, presumably in recompense for our various abuses and affiliatory (in)actions, the other 11.
334 for 31.
Compared to UPS brokerage rates, not a bad investment.
Ordinarily.
There is a secret seasonal scoop, a veritable Prisoners Dilemma of pleasantries.
Yes Virginia, we know it exists. We made it up.
The very same compulsion that motivates you, asphyxiates (through required reciprocation plus one) in others the festive felicity you are intent on imposing.
The selflessness of your intentions are, in actufuckingality, inversely proportionate to the intended effect. Selfless selfishness.
Back to basics, about the family and reasons for the seasons type campaigns…LOSER EXTREME FAIL.
Ultimately, people don’t want a season without the season.
A Christmas without gifts? That’s just thanksgiving in December.
Embrace the giving. Encourage the getting.
In the words of Rob Zombie;
Welcome to the Season Motherfucker.
As our gift to you, the Grande and Powerful Empire has developed a holiday especial.
THE ULTIMATE CYCLISTS GIFT GUIDE
Things YOU want.
Things YOU need.
A checklist of shit that won’t make you say;
‘What the fuck were they thinking?‘.
A list designed by US to help YOU help the ones YOU love.
Win. Win. Win.
All items will be categorized by category for the efficient intentions of diminishing the appearance of favoritism.
- PART
- LUXURY
- ENTERTAINMENT
- PERSONAL
- RIDING
- TOOL
Rest assured this is an unbiased, unabashed lusting of genuine awesomeness.
This is not paid broadcasting, however, I would consider a soul for pittance triple exchange.
And there will be ONE gift that stands above them all, ULTIMATE SUPER GOOD WINNER, it will be the last and thirty first item revealed.
Let’s get ready to get festive.
In order to prepare, please purchase and play the following;
Until tomorrow my littlest hobo’s.
