Racing, Training and Trash Talking
Can any one exist without the others?
Probably, but that’s because these words are not created equal. How much fun is losing, hurting yourself daily and being a good sport about it? I can think of a handful of you sadists…good sports, gentlemen – chivalry is in fact dead and you aren’t going to be withdrawing from that blessed karma bank anytime soon…
Talking smack may be the one and ONLY part of cycling in Southern Ontario that doesn’t ever HAVE to go on ice…in fact, I will argue (into the deep dark oblivion for the sake of hearing my own voice) that trash IS the premier motivator in both training and racing. Not only does abusing friends, peers and complete strangers make you feel good about yourself (by reasserting your vast mental superiority over these same mere mortals) it all but ensures registration for the races and events necessary to demonstrate your completely average cycling skills… Let’s not forget training. Fear of having your trash fall completely flat when you HANNEM the race all lead to those winter stints on the trainer, super secret solo rides and that gym membership kept under wraps…all the while you encourage others to ‘take the night off’…slick Rick, very slick.
2008 Preparations?
- Each Season: Pick one rider that will be attending that ONE really big race. This year it HAS to be the SSWC and that ONE rider just happens to be none other then TEAM DICKY. Why? Well firstly he’s one of the few hand picked elite riders (such as myself) actually registered for the event. Second He’s got (some) game, sure it’s amateurish but thats where I come in…least I can do is help the wee fella out.
- Everyday: email your friends, remind them of their averageness. Your mailbox is full…
- Periodically: Surf MTBR and Dirt Rag and post obnoxious boasts about your abilities and coming race expectations.
- Every ride: Find a rider, alter course if necessary and chase that rabbit until you pass with authority – if they have any skills at all, start yakking – ask if they just started riding, offer suggestions on their form and style etc.
- Every race: Find a rider, not just any rider, one of at least comparable ability (works best with a better rider – so I am told, obviously I need to trash down). Start in the staging area and continue as long as you can – shadow them, speak often, speak of trivial nothingness, act totally relaxed maybe even bored. If this barrage of whit and humility doesn’t mortally wound them (they manage to spin away) remind them that you are ‘coming’ every time you make visual contact.
NOTE: Trash is for the moment but being an asshole is forever! So aim high and hit low.
