On some day, some days ago, I pledged unto myself that I would ride all of the three weekend days. Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

I can hear the collective rumble…so fucking what…but on this you’ll have to understand, it’s more than that.
Winter, as I may have mentioned, is not cooperating.
Winter, is still here…and while winter is normally only a vile ugly shit of a pimple in the centre of your face, obstructing your view and drinking your beer…that’s winter DURING winter…in the spring, winter is something ugly.

So. I thought, as I was thinking, WAIT.
There is a solution at hand.

Numerous persons posted on Facebook about it, Tyler covered it on Bike RumoUr.

WalMart is the new hipster desire fulfiller!

A WalMart Fat Bike – just 199$
So I went to WalMart.

I went to WalMart HARD.

Not a single solitary Misfit in the store

No one, no normal one that is, EVER leaves WalMart (entirely) disappointed (oh the sights)…but this time it was close.
No Fat Bike for me.

I went home, went about my business and as I rode in of doors and out of cold (Friday ride – tick!) I thought…you fucking hypocrite…you were going to buy a Fat Bike.

Then, as I rode some more I thought some more…I am.
Or I thought, am I?

Walmart offers a fat bike that retails for 199.
Or 31.17$ per ride (I calculated 6 lost rides this winter).

Our good friends at LIKIN BIKIN currently have Mukluk frames on for 699.
Or 116.50$ per ride.

Competitive Cyclist has a complete Mukluk for 2449.95.
Or 408.33$ per ride.

408.33 per ride…that’s ONE WalMart Fatty for EACH of the balls you can lick if you think I’m going to pay anything over 199 for a novelty bike.

So. What I learned by NOT buying a WalMart Fat Bike:

  • My hatred of Fat Bikes is primarily based on the per/ride COST*
  • My hatred of Fat Bikes is less about the bike and more about the senseless (and unsolicited) justification of owning one – if you NEED to justify owning one, you can’t
  • My hatred of Fat Bikes isn’t just about hating a Fat Bike…it’s about my right to hate anything I hate…it’s a rejection of the inane concept of some cycling ‘brotherhood’**…the idiotic notion that simply because something is ‘bicycle-based’ I, we, have to embrace it…tolerate it…fuck that…I happen to think some bikes are fucking stupid…huzzah and all-stop…don’t get me started on cyclists…

* Do NOT insert your ‘then ride it more, it’s more than just a snow bike‘ argument here. I’ve stated time and time again I would rather ride a better bike more and riding a better bike less is one of the few things more stupid than paying 408.33 per ride for a bike. But that’s just for ME, making YOUR opinions on my opinion INFUCKINGVALID, not unlike how you are entitled to feel about my opinion if you disagree…save you’re more wrong and I win nah and nah.

** Not unlike (moto)cyclists or Jeep(er)s or Truckers or People that wear Crocs – they insist on waving at one another as they pass…offering mental high-fives and psychic ass slaps when they meet one (another) in some superficial social passing.
What the fuck for? Because they own something that’s similar to something you own? That guy you just licked with your eyes because he owns a CJ with round headlights (before they brought back round headlights that aren’t really round and people that own them are fakers), he’s an asshole…maybe.

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